last post

no longer will i be updated this blog. have shifted to a new address. msn/msg me for the new link.
thanks guys, for stopping by :)

everyone has to make choices in life
some are dubious, some without hesitation

as for me, the choices or decisions i made, sometime appear hasty, sometime seems wrong, but in the end
i know i'll never make the wrong decisions,
simply because one cannot afford to live with regret in this short, unpredictable life
we'll just have to make the best out of everything

i just made another decision just now.
it's painful no doubt
but i know deep down that i'll never regret it.

back to square one,
where time heals everything
oh trust me, this time won't be as bad.
what can be worse than the hurt paul caused?

When are you at the top?

Lunches these days have become more of a time waster that I have to go through due to the increasingly amount of work to be done. I usually grab stuff from the nearest hawker center near my office, sometimes crystal or jem will grab me something along their way back frm lunch.

Today however, I took sometime off for lunch and headed down with Sherry for a quick meal. Having eaten, she occupied herself with today's newspaper, feeding me knowledge of the current happenings in our dear world.

another case of food poisoning.......
thai in chaos.......
that former DBS CEO passed away....


I took a double take upon hearing that.
" what! that who was diagnosed with leukemia a couple of months back...stanley something..?"

Sherry " yes Richard Stanley"

Me: "......"



I can still recall that I wanted to blog about this, when I first learnt about him getting diagnosed with leukemia. I think I didn't get down to it but I guess the latest news about his passing on, kinda reminded what I wanted to write.

At a considerably young age of 48, no one can deny the achievements of Richard Stanley, or Rich, as he was affably referred to by his peers and colleagues. He leaves his wife and 3 children behind.



Makes me wonder....so what if you worked hard and get to the top...money cant buy happiness, lest good health. So why are people of our society slogging their guts out, comparing on the qualification one has, the paycheck you bring back from work, the bags one carry, the latest apparels from Milan or Paris, the car you drive.


Life is too short for that. Some may disagree with me, saying that I'm able to write this because i'm comfortably better off than most, but i beg to differ. Everyone has their own worries and problems, be it the rich or poor.

I do admit that I get pissed whenever I have to think twice when I wanna get something due to financial constraints. Who doesn't? A $1000 bag may bother me, but a 5 million jet plane may bother a millionaire just as much. (does jet planes cost this much or more?)


Be contented with what you currently have now..its normal to have regrets, but don't live in them. treasure and cherish your close ones and most importantly, do not be afraid to love...


okie it's close to 1am and i cant believe i;m writing all this crap when I should be doing my work or getting some shuteye before another long day tml.

other than work, i've been procrastinating on almost every other aspect of my life.

my room is in the worst state since i've moved in
my chair and bed had become my second and third wardrobe
almost 1/2 of walkable space in my room are currently occupied by my clutter

imagine that.. i don't even have the mood to go out or organise anything. that's how bad i;ve become.


speaking of organising, i've grew tired of that. taking a backseat and will wait to see what happens.
work's is just like a time bomb. i have no freaking idea when it will be my turn to leave. such uncertainty in bad times, its not within my control, so i'll just let it bother me, but not too much

and of course, what will be complete without boys' problem

i'm sort of dating this guy currently, who happens to be a good friend of mine. hmm let's see how many i've dated in the past who were friends..i think he's most prob the first.

it isn't extreme to say that we are both from different worlds, in almost every possible way,
despite that, the sparks were there and there were lots of laughters and fun

came the thin fine line of friendship and dating
which part we were threading on, both were pretty clear
but then, came the even thinner and finer line of dating and relationship
which part we were threading on, both weren't very clear,
to make it worst, both were on the wrong ends at different points of time

communication were alright, but bad when it comes to things that matters- refusing and sometimes, no idea on how to express

and i guess the part which hurts me the most is to realise that underneath it all, he is just like any other guys.
i dunno which is worse, he hurting me as a friend, or as a fling

let's see,

which do i hate more?

being labeled together with the rest when i placed so much emphasis on my individuality

or

the realization that i unknowingly let down my guard once again, when i fought so hard for independence and towards a stronger character


its a tough fight, but i guess the latter wins the race by a millisecond



it's nights like this that make me retreat back into my comfort zone


i fucking hate ppl who made n break their promises



intoxicated on a monday night?
thank god fri's a PH

First baking sesh in SG

Dear bazz.

I love your house, tiramisu, shots and indo mee.
yeah and of cos. u. for the umpteen times. i'm so glad you;re back.
when's the next sesh?

two funerals in a week is enough to get your sprits down.
funerals alway bring back too many unpleasant feelings, memories and also, the sad fact that we will eventually say goodbye to our loved ones in time to come.

Which got me thinking...

I rather be selfish and die before my loved ones... and inflict the pain on them instead. I felt quite bad that this actually crossed my mind..

I rather distance myself from my loved ones, so when its time to say goodbye, it won't be that hard. This is rather impossible, knowing me.

And the latter is somehow related to relationships

Why get involve when you know it will end one day? Be it a breakup, or passing on? Isn't it harder when you get attached to a particular person or a thing (trust me, I totally am able to comprehend both) and to lose it after?

On the other hand, one may argue that even if it is meant to end, the process that you go through - the memories created, the happiness once present, the lessons (if any) learnt that mould you into a better person.... is priceless. But how many priceless but void memories you want to collect during your lifetime?

So at the end of the day, it boils down to whether the things gained from the process is worth the hurt, tears, anger and sadness felt when the curtains falls.

so the doc confirmed that i have asthma

great.

puff away! different kind of puff this time round though.


i would hereby like to thank everyone for giving me the chance to inhale your 2nd hand smoke

i was looking through the past entries a couple of days back.

memories are really amazing.
coupled with photos...even better
aaron tagged that i hardly blog with photos these days
which is so true..

i don't want to lose this period of memories (given my memory)

will do something about it soon


updates- ian went back perth.

jas went back melbourne

but bazz is back!
i'm so so so so so glad happy that he's back.

congrats to jordan n candice once again...great wedding!

i may be dying soon. had difficulty breathing , chest seems to contract n feels so tight. cough has been here 4 a couple of months. suspected lung infection or asthma. given 2nd round of medicine that caused my heart to beat faster n hands to tremble. asked to get a xray done. been drowsy n strengthless for a week.

i wonder if its due to medication..
or the absence of alcohol?
heh..i've been a real good girl ..
just had my first non-alcohol weekend in a long time

ian's back

i missed him so. i'm really overjoyed to see him even though it had been only 5 months. it's really good talking to him again, having the familiar feelings once again just like when i was over at perth.

its 3.30am.

i'm so going to die @ training tml.

I think I’m hitting another down period. He kept appearing in my mind again since yesterday. And whenever that happens, my heart will sort of take a lurch and it’ll hurt for a moment before my mind feels the emotional pain as well. As it is, there’s usually a trigger to everything..and what triggered this was probably the conversation we had on msn few nights back.

We all have our moments of weakness. I managed to suppress them but sort of gave in to one. We chatted for a bit and against my better judgment; I asked what he did for vday. It’s like walking beyond safety barriers or strolling into a lion’s den, hoping that the lions inside have already had their fill.

He replied that he was out with a female friend. Well, I don’t really have to say more do I? The rest are rather self explanatory. I always knew that I have to move on from this r/s but I guess being stubborn by nature, I still believe(d) that what we had was much stronger to withstand this misunderstanding. Let’s see how much more shit I have to take from him before I’ll succumb my stubbornness to reality.

vday 2009

funny how things are sometimes.

the past 8 years, i was attached during vday, with different guys. (you can count last year as attached too, though at that point me n paul wasn't officially together)

4 different guys over 8 years, 8 possible vdays

can only remember one of the vday that left an impact, though not that all distinct..rest were horrible or just any other day

ultimately, i had the best vday in my life last night.

n i wasn't even attached

the irony of it ya?

how good was it?

all i can say is that it was sooo good that it stretched over 2 days. (or u can even say 3)

and the next guy will have a hard time topping this one


sometimes, one doesn't have to look that far

for my situation..

happiness is just a door away

and

it comes to you (literally)


seriously.. not too long ago, i still hoped that me n paul could spend it together.

but, i wouldnt trade it for him, nor any other guys.

thanks, really.

its been sometime since i'm this happy


next up....coldplay's gig!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life has certainly been going on for me.. despite afew weeks back.. when everything seemed to stopped for a moment after the breakup.

I have to admit that I felt terrible back then, when reality started sinking in and he kept appearing in my dreams. The countless no more having him around, no more someone to go back to after work, no more of our planned future and dreams, no more of his laughter, hugs nor reassurance. The ‘no more’ period was one of the worst i guess..moreover it was close to the festive period and I was having pms.

But I;ve gone through this shit before back in Perth. Somehow, I recovered much faster than I did back then. Maybe it’s because this is the 2nd time, or maybe because this time I’m home with my family and friends, or maybe this time I have no more excuses for him.

Many asked the reason behind the breakup. I wouldn’t say if the reason is justifiable or not, it varies with individual. To me, it’s simple. If you’ve planned your future with ur other half and know that he’s the one for me, I would at least try to work things out. But these things require two parties. Since he is unwilling, there’s no more reason for me to waste my time and youth.

I’ve loved, lost, grieved, and of course, learnt. Sometime, it’s all this emotions that make us humans. I can’t say if I’ve moved on, but I’m getting more and more used to not having someone by my side these days. Being in a relationship for almost 8 years is somewhat tiring and I’m enjoying the single’s life now. Not that all my ex boyfriends controlled my freedom, to think of it, most of them let me do what I wanted. But this time is different. I have more time for my family, friends and myself. I find myself being so busy these days that I wonder how I managed to fit in having a bf back then.

Sometime last week I was at Yahoo CNY luncheon. They had several booths set up. One of them was a palmistry reader. Me & my colleagues went for it and he commented on my:

- you used to be cautious but now you are rather impulsive
- you are suited working with people
- you are strong in character and your success will be dependent on yourself
- you will get bogged down by family problems
- you will have a good life after marriage (which I asked: when?)
- (which he replied) probably your 3rd or 4th relationship

which I immediately exclaimed ‘ I just ended my 4th relationship! Does that mean that I will nv get married????’

which pretty amused everyone around me.
U should have seen my horrified face at that moment

Prior to the previous post.. I met up with him shortly after our breakup. He didn't give me any chance to speak when he initated the break, saying that we would have to meet another day after he has cooldown.

Just as I'd suspected, the real reason for meeting up again was just to get back his stuff from me. He gave me sometime to 'express' myself, note the used of word. His mind was already set and as stubborn as he has always been, he refused to listen, let alone talk. I might as well talk to a wall.

Since now it's really and truly over, I have decided to move on to the next phase of my life. It hurts badly.. but i've been through this shit once in Perth, and somehow, it seems much more bearable this time round.

I've been keeping myself busy ever since we talked and hey, it's not too bad after all. of course i missed the times we had spent together, be it aimlessly surfing the internet, watching random youtube clips, catching a quick espd of friends, seeking comfort in his arms and words. I would go to the extend and say that I really love and gave up a lot for a chance to be together but only to realised how unstable he was as a partner.




That's how love goes. I hurt some, get hurt by some.

but that's not the end. i'll pick myself up and move on ahead.

breaking up

breaking up is never easy. especially if you're not the one initiating it.

Whether I went back to the state I was when in perth few months back, is still uncertain...

I lost my appetite, literally. i'm sure i've lost couple of pounds within few days.. but i'm not starving myself...and i always make sure i eat before drinking any alcohol. .

its really hard to cope, someone who u thought u could spend your life with just end it with a snap of his fingers, as though he was making a decision to drink coffee or tea. whatever we had, those that i held in uttermost importance, treasured and cherished were just like a puff of smoke, blown away with every puff from a smoker's mouth.

it's really a pity. it really breaks my heart. i'm not really good with words, but sometimes the feeling inside is so terrible that i could just break down in the middle of nowhere... walking past the substation...buying lunch...on the way home...

but just when you are thinking that i;m wallowing in my own self pity, i'm not.

just when you are thinking that i'm detached and shattered to bits, i'm not

at the end of the day. i know that i'll always be blessed with love... simply because i know how and am not afraid to love. I don't retreat into my shell to avoid everything.. and most importantly, i know how to cherish the ones who are important to me. I don't say it, I show it.

thanks crystal for the lovely tulips.. it really made my day...i was really very touched...

thanks kiat, for buying me the cough syrup and being there for me since the breakup. (i'm still coughing though =\ )

thanks mei si for clubbing with me, even though we felt like we were the oldest there.

and also, everyone.. who listened, comforted and told me that they will always be there for me.